i wish starbucks made bloody marys
girl in front of me in lecture is looking up on ask.com about chlamydia.
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
We hooked up last night. I think it was great for our friendship.
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Randomize
