well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
he used the word "rubber" i just couldn't do it after that.
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Five Mah tais Laser and i skill have not drunk dial you
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
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After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
i looked that guy up on facebook. the one who went down on me for two hours
what's the verdict
i've been scrubbing my vag all morning
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