I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
Is her dick bigger than yours?
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
Randomize
