big game today.. looking forward to seeing that magic win, and then i will celebrate with a nude dip in lake Eola.. anyone else in??
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
