he just said he was sorry he wasnt been able to come by more often coz things are really crazy with that girl
you mean his girlfriend
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
Would fucking the college coach be against recruiting rules?
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
If I knew the person sucking my dick didn't say thank you for their Christmas presents I wouldn't be able to cum.
Randomize
