literally had 100 drinks last night.
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
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I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
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Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
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