How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
Randomize
