i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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