I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
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