well, tey weren't taking lap dances as payment today
So he thought it would be a nice gesture to show me his list of girls he fucked. There was 70. We then went through and put "V"'s next to all the ones that were virgins...
Its where this guy sticks a jar up his ass. Be prepared to be suspended between vomiting and cheering.
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize
