she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
Well there's nothing more unattractive them a naked, soft man crying
Oh good your over him
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
I am going to go Miley Cyrus crazy if I don't get sex soon
Headline in the alligator: young zeta goes berserk after lack of sex and is found naked swinging from wrecking ball on university ave, refuses to get down until sex partner is found
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
