I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
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