I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
just woke up in the hotel with gummi bears all around me and someone took the tv
we took the tv and as for the gummi bears don't eat them you put em in her vagina
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
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