Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
what if I'm pregnant?
smusmorshion
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
it's to the point where working 2 jobs this summer will absolutely not cover how much i will spend on alcohol next semester.
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
Girl this is ridiculous I told my self that I would stop having sex in stairwells yet it keeps happening
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
Randomize
