K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
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