im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
Wedsnesdays are always enlightening. Tonights revealation: One should not smoke from something taller than their person.
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
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