Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
Randomize
