i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
Friend date it is then. Question: Can friends engage in sexual activities after dates?
I would have done it. But then again I am a starving student who can manipulate my brain into thinking my decision was somehow morally justifiable.
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
