If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
I drew a venn diagram at the top of my final comparing stuff i know and stuff on the test.
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
no. the fact that it's halloween completely overrides the fact that it's sunday. youre going out whether im dragging your boring ass or not.
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
Randomize
