Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
Randomize
