You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
NExt question... Do i wanna sleep under my palm tree
YES.
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
I hope you enjoy this collage I made of you and me getting fucked up together
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
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