Def gonna have stinky sex sometime soon. GOT TO! she has eligible friends for you, as well.
And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
Randomize
