I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
Randomize
