Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
My dick has a subreddit
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
Randomize
