I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
We're having the conversation about what happened last night, all we can come up with is that we came home, drank two litres of lemonade, I took one of her seizure pills and we fell asleep with sabrina the teenage witch on
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
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