3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
don't you miss dr. quinn: medicine woman? i do.
why do they call them blowjobs? ....unless i'm doing it wrong?
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
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