I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
IF WE WERE REALLY BEST FRIENDS FOREVER YOU GUYS WOULD AGREE TO A WATCHING A PORNO PARTY
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
Lmfao. We asked what you wanted to eat and you said vagina. I don't care what kind. Fresh, barbecue, roasted on a camp fire. I just want it on my taste buds.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
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