i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Randomize
