She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
babies were throwing up all over the place
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
I think I just sharted jello shots
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