she woke up with a sticky ear
He yelled GOOOOAAAALLL when he came.
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
Is it bad that we're talking like nothing happened?
Ah. Blossoming love after wild blackout drunk sex.
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
So here I am, sexting at work.
Randomize
