Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
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