Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
I did shrooms last night. My drug checklist is complete, I can finally graduate.
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
Randomize
