I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
currently shading my boobs to make it look like i have mass cleavage...thanks art school
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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