im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
Apparently one comment in my womens studies class cockblocks yourself for an entire semester.
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
Last night dinner was cinnamon buns and whiskey. At least tonight I had a fajita with my cookies and tequila. I may be a little stressed about these end of semester tests.
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Randomize
