I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
So she puts out... but it wasn't worth it
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
Randomize
