This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
Randomize
