Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
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