my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
So he saw that playlist i made with his name as the title. i think he's creeped out that I have 106 songs that remind me of him
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
Randomize
