You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
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