Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
the day after is always just damage control
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
there is no way i'm buying plan b and condoms at the same time
no do it! it shows that you acknowledge your mistakes and you are proactively working towards a solution.
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
Randomize
