so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
she scratched her sororities letters into my back when she was done. i think i was part of some sick game. sick twisted sexy game
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
Randomize
