Hard rock hotel, wtf why am i still out, im gonna fuk 5 chix 2nite .maybe
Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
We shouldn't eat pizza in the pool
We r drinking tequila out a glass bottle and smoking weed underwater, pizzas the least of our concern
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
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