Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
Randomize
