no morals, dignity, or self respect ... just an empty condom wrapper and a facebook request
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
Randomize
