At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
Randomize
