i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
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I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
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