There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
If I remember taking any of my finals after tomorrow night, it will not have been a successful night.
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Randomize
