Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
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