then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
Randomize
