On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
