John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
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