I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
as she was beating the hell out of his ex, she screamed prison rules, and smashed her head with a beer bottle. I'm oddly afraid yet so attracted to her now.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
Friend date it is then. Question: Can friends engage in sexual activities after dates?
"You can go raw dog up in me". Exact words. I can't decide whether to run, or fuck. Help.
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize
