never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
Gay?
German.
Pity.
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
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