After last night's events, I googled "how to change your life direction." I found a really helpful ehow.com article.
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
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